Jonathan, part 2

It took me awhile to feel nostalgic enough to write the rest of the story, but here it is.

He was the first person I ever wanted to fix. He was broken in many ways because of his upbringing. He told me secrets that were horrifying and tore my heart in pieces. It was the first time I'd ever felt helpless in the midst of someone else's pain and I wanted nothing more than to mend him and make him whole.

I have a favorite memory of him... of us. On our way home one night, we stopped and sat on the hood of his car to look at the stars. I probably had a cigarette, and he probably didn't. He didn't like to smoke around me, and felt that somehow my underage nicotine habit was his fault.

That night as we gazed at the stars, we unknowingly watched one of the biggest meteor showers of the decade. I will always remember it as one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. We wondered aloud if the world was going to end soon, and I giggled uncontrollably until he reminded me that it was time to go home.

Jonathan always made it known that he loved me. I wavered back and forth as to whether or not I wanted a relationship, but in the end, I stuck to the fact that the thought of romance with him just never felt quite right. I knew, even at a young age, that he was perfect for someone else, and I wished with all my heart that he would have been perfect for me. When I came to the conclusion that I knew we would never progress past a friendship, I think things became harder for him, but he never let me know this. I knew through his friends that being close to me was painful for him, and in a frustrating turn of events many people in his life urged him to cut me off. I couldn't understand why then, but I do now.

The night he ended our friendship is blurry in my mind. I remember he sat me down, and told me that we could no longer be friends. All I remember that followed was extreme pain. I remember sobbing on the bathroom floor of my friend Katy's house. I remember that life felt like it was in slow motion for the next couple of days. I had lost my best friend. I lost someone I truly thought would be a part of my life forever. It was the first big loss in my life, and it felt like death.

Jonathan set the bar high for men in my life. He showed me that I deserve to be treated with incredible care and respect, and I am forever grateful. I learned from him at the tender age of 16 more than I've learned in all of my adult relationships.

I firmly believe that each person I love has a place in my heart, whether they remain in my life or not. Every once and awhile I can feel an empty pang, and I think my heart remembers the past and gently reminds me of the empty spot where someone used to be. Jonathan will always have a place in my heart. There will always be a uniquely formed little nook that may never be filled again, but each time I feel it's emptiness, I remember that it is there for a reason.