When life takes a turn

This past week has contained more chaos, frustration, and stress than I've experienced in a long, long time. Last week was rough, though I made it through 4 days of day shift training. In other circumstances I would have called in sick due to the lack of sleep and severe cramps I had all week, but I endured. And I didn't smoke! I've been smoke-free for a week and a half now.

About a week ago though, I had to bring my car in because it didn't start. Long story short, what was originally thought to be a problem with the fuel pump is actually a problem with water in the engine. The theory is that one of my sensors is broken, and it didn't tell me when I overheated my car, which is when water got in the engine. It's going to take more to fix than the car is worth. Basically, I've spent the past 4-5 days (I had a long weekend from work) researching cars, pouring over my finances and credit score, and looking at all my options. I've been to several dealers and probably test driven about 5-6 cars so far. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I really thought that the whole "all car dealers are dishonest" thing was a cliche. So far however, it's proven to be true. I don't appreciate being told that I can't find a Honda Civic in my price range when I've already found several. I don't appreciate being told that the types of cars I'm looking for are expensive to fix, when I know for a fact that they are common and easy to fix cars... and besides, the dealer is trying to sell me a Suzuki. And I really, really don't like it when I specify my budget and am constantly being shown cars that are $5,000 more than what I can afford to pay.

It's been frustrating. I keep telling myself that God has a plan in all of this, and that I'm learning a lot about being on my own and standing on my own two feet. So if you read this and you are the kind of person who prays, please send one up for me, because I could use some patience right about now...

Why I'm crazy

I couldn't sleep last night but of course, did manage to fall asleep and turn of my phone alarm in my sleep (which I've literally never done before). So I was late to work on the first day of training for the day shift.

What else? Oh yes, I'm sunburnt and have cramps. Which leads me to ask myself...

Why did I pick today to quit smoking?

Jonathan, part 1

I believe in the power of stories. I've put off writing about the first significant relationship in my life for many reasons. First of all, it is sacred to me. The kind of sacred where I don't want to touch it for fear of making it any less beautiful than it was. Secondly, there is the pain. It's probably been at least 5 years since I've even seen him, but something about putting our story to paper is still painful for me.

I've written my own personal memoirs that have covered each significant relationship in my life except this one. But two things happened tonight. In a rare and bizarre moment, I missed him... someone I rarely think of who hasn't been a regular part of my life for the past 6 years. I also realized that the longer I wait to write about him, the more I risk burying precious and irreplaceable memories. For the record, no one who reads this blog should know him (um, does anyone really read this blog? That's beside the point.) So here it is, part one of what may be a two or three part story. I know this first part is short, but crap, I may be inspired but I'm tired.


I saw a TV commercial today that reminded me of him. It's for a new TV show, where people hire a man to search for long lost loves and relatives. I've thought before about what it would be like to see him after all of these years. I wonder if he's married by now and if he has any kids. He's like the opposite of the tin man; all he ever had was heart. It wouldn't surprise me to see him as a devoted husband and father. The role would fit him well.

Jonathan was the first significant man in my life besides my father. I was 14 and attending a youth group at a then brand-new youth center. He was the bassist for the worship band-- 16 and dorky and awkward and handsome all at once. He told someone he liked me one night. I remember he was wearing overalls. I went home and journaled my adolescent confusion.

Our friendship circles were the same and we began spending more time together. He gave me rides home from nights out with friends and even taught me how to drive with his parent's car. I connected with Jonathan more than I'd ever connected with anyone. We loved music together, we pretended to be rebellious together, we laughed together. We sat in my driveway in deep teenage conversation until my parents flashed the porch lights.

My love for Jonathan was only slightly more abundant than my confusion. I loved him, I knew that. But I knew that the way that he loved me was different.

Just when I thought I was getting acclimated...

If you didn't already hear about it, we had an earthquake last week. Not big enough to do much damage, but big enough to scare the crap out of me! I had worked the night before, so I was sleeping when it happened (about 11:40am my time) and was woken up because my bed was shaking. I'm not gonna lie, I pretty much thought I was losing it. I wasn't sure if it was an earthquake or if I'd accidentally taken acid the night before. But all in all, when it was over, it was slightly exciting.

In slightly more disgusting news, I have a cricket problem. When I say problem, I mean I sometimes squish a half dozen in a 24 hour period. And they are loud and annoying. And I don't know where they are coming from. And I'm tired of cleaning their guts up. Anyone have suggestions?

And may I just say that I would possibly support a law that requires people to get a license before they procreate. I watched an episode of Nanny 911 today that infuriated me. It's one thing to judge people because you don't agree with their parenting style. It's an entirely different thing to judge people because they don't spend time with their kids. Truly, one of the reasons that I'm so terrified of having children before the age of 30 is that I know my own selfishness, and I know how much I'm going to have to sacrifice when I have children. I know that I grew up very fortunate to have 2 very involved and caring parents. I seriously wonder if I will ever be able to give my kids the childhood that I have-- my parents are extraordinary. But for crying out loud people, you don't have to be superparents, just spend time with your kids! How difficult is that?

So for a short summary of the rest of my life, I choose one word: broke. I now have health insurance, dental insurance, new brake pads, rotors, and a serpentine belt. These are all things I need, yes, but they are FREAKING EXPENSIVE. So if you don't hear from me for awhile, and you pass some homeless hitchhiker somewhere who looks a lot like me... think twice and be nice, because ya never know!