Prayers, please!

I could seriously, really use some prayers and/or encouragement right now. Charlie is dealing with some severe behavioral issues brought on by anxiety (I'm beginning to believe he was very neglected or abused). Honestly, I am coming to terms with the fact that I don't know if I can keep him.

This sucks.

Meet my new boyfriend

This is Charlie Bean Forney. These are his sad eyes when I won't let him cuddle on my bed. He's a 3 year old Boston Terrier, and (for the most part) is a a very good boy. I picked him up in Burbank on Friday, which was a bit of a drive but very much worth it. I've been looking forward to getting a dog for a long time, but I have to say that even though I thought I was totally prepared I'm still a little overwhelmed. I definitely didn't think I'd be such a nervous dog owner.

Friday was a big day for Charlie. Not only did he get his second new home over the course of a few days, but he also got neutered. So I drove home with a very sick, tired, and scared little boy who had to get the cone collar because he wouldn't stop licking his stitches. He refused to sit while in the car (too much to see, I suppose) and refused to go to sleep (unsure of what other parts of his manhood might be taken away if he did, I'm sure). He was terrified the first night, so I let him sleep on the bed with me.

Last night I decided to leave him home for a bit while I went out to dinner with friends. As I was preparing to leave, he threw up twice (new food, anxiety, antibiotics, it could be due to a number of things...). I was still determined to get him in his crate for a bit since I'll have to leave him there while I'm at work. So I got him in there and arranged for a neighbor to come check on him to make sure he wasn't still throwing up. It was slightly disastrous. He did not stop barking while I was gone. My neighbor came over to comfort him, but I still returned to a very scared and shaking dog. After all this happened, he fell asleep on my lap and all seemed well in the world of Charlie. That is, until my friend Ryan tried to pet him, and the little rascal nipped at him! I was fairly shocked and subsequently missed the opportunity to discipline him... we figured at that point that it was due to the stress of the night, and Ryan learned not to pet him while he was sleeping. On a more positive note, he slept in his dog bed last night with minimal resentment.

Again this morning, I was holding Charlie in my lap and Ryan went to pet him (again, reaching inside the cone to touch his face) and got nipped! This time he got a swift pat on the butt, a firm no, and I put him on the floor. I no longer think it has as much to do with stress, I think it's a protective thing. And it's NOT GOOD. So I don't know what I'm going to do, and to be honest I'm slightly panicked. I'm looking for dog obedience classes, and am going to do some research online today. I need to figure it out now though, because it needs to be nipped in the bud... no pun intended.

Crazy or just bold?

I saw something on TV about "cuddle parties" that intrigued me. Just for kicks, I did some googling on cuddle parties, and soon enough found out that one is being held next week in LA... which would perfectly coincide with my plans for some light partying there on my first weekend off in forever. So I'm thinking about going. This may be one of the most ridiculous and strange things I've ever thought of doing. Am I really that much of a hippie? Or am I just crazy...?

CuddleLA (FYI- they are non-sexual parties... you can google for yourself to find out all the philosophies behind it. I'm not THAT crazy.)

Jonathan, part 2

It took me awhile to feel nostalgic enough to write the rest of the story, but here it is.

He was the first person I ever wanted to fix. He was broken in many ways because of his upbringing. He told me secrets that were horrifying and tore my heart in pieces. It was the first time I'd ever felt helpless in the midst of someone else's pain and I wanted nothing more than to mend him and make him whole.

I have a favorite memory of him... of us. On our way home one night, we stopped and sat on the hood of his car to look at the stars. I probably had a cigarette, and he probably didn't. He didn't like to smoke around me, and felt that somehow my underage nicotine habit was his fault.

That night as we gazed at the stars, we unknowingly watched one of the biggest meteor showers of the decade. I will always remember it as one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. We wondered aloud if the world was going to end soon, and I giggled uncontrollably until he reminded me that it was time to go home.

Jonathan always made it known that he loved me. I wavered back and forth as to whether or not I wanted a relationship, but in the end, I stuck to the fact that the thought of romance with him just never felt quite right. I knew, even at a young age, that he was perfect for someone else, and I wished with all my heart that he would have been perfect for me. When I came to the conclusion that I knew we would never progress past a friendship, I think things became harder for him, but he never let me know this. I knew through his friends that being close to me was painful for him, and in a frustrating turn of events many people in his life urged him to cut me off. I couldn't understand why then, but I do now.

The night he ended our friendship is blurry in my mind. I remember he sat me down, and told me that we could no longer be friends. All I remember that followed was extreme pain. I remember sobbing on the bathroom floor of my friend Katy's house. I remember that life felt like it was in slow motion for the next couple of days. I had lost my best friend. I lost someone I truly thought would be a part of my life forever. It was the first big loss in my life, and it felt like death.

Jonathan set the bar high for men in my life. He showed me that I deserve to be treated with incredible care and respect, and I am forever grateful. I learned from him at the tender age of 16 more than I've learned in all of my adult relationships.

I firmly believe that each person I love has a place in my heart, whether they remain in my life or not. Every once and awhile I can feel an empty pang, and I think my heart remembers the past and gently reminds me of the empty spot where someone used to be. Jonathan will always have a place in my heart. There will always be a uniquely formed little nook that may never be filled again, but each time I feel it's emptiness, I remember that it is there for a reason.

The Superly Wonderful Life

My career is going superly wonderful. The move out here was a smart one in that aspect. Last week I had the opportunity to attend a 3 day conference in Santa Monica that was focused on interventions. I was trained in one of the 3 models of intervention and got to hear some amazing people in the field speak. It was awesome. I'm even more convinced that this is the route I want to go. By my estimates, it will take me 3 years to get board registered as an interventionist, and this would mean that I would need to start participating in interventions within the next year (you need 2 years of experience to be certified). During that time, I also need to get my CADAAC License (California Asocciation of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselors), which I can do cheaply and online through my job. Oh, the perks of working at the BFC.

Not much else is happening in my life. Things seem to be at a standstill... don't know when I'll get the new position at work, don't know when I'll get the dog, and don't know when I'll go on my next date. I've been single for almost a year now, which isn't that long... but my last relationship was so brief that it feels like it's been a lot longer than a year. I'm happier than ever being single, but I do miss the comforts of a relationship every once and awhile. Fortunately, those moments take a back seat to the ones where I feel loved and supported in my singledom. I have to say, my greatest fear was that I'd feel overwhelmingly lonely out here being so far away from my family and my MN friends. I'm grateful that it's turned out differently than I expected.