Coming clean

When I was a teenager I was extremely careful as to who I told about the fact that I have clinical depression. I shared on a need-to-know basis, and held my breath as I waited for people to run away from me like I had SARS (which isn't a completely unrealistic fear-- it happened once or twice).

I'm fairly open about it now, because I feel it's important for people to understand what depression is. When I was younger my depressive symptoms were much more stereotypical, and involved being overwhelmingly sad a lot of the time. But nowadays, my "bouts" are very similar to getting the flu for a long period of time. My energy seems non-existent, I sleep for up to 16 hours a day some days, and I get frequent headaches. Instead of feeling sad, I mostly feel flat and disconnected. And one of many factors is simply the fact that my brain doesn't know how to properly produce and use serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine.

It's been a few years since I've had a significant bout with depression, since I have been on a medication that's been amazing. But I am slowly realizing that I'm in the midst of dealing with it at the moment. And I almost forgot how debilitating it can be.

So if you are the kind of person who prays, please do. I've made it through these periods in my life before, and I don't doubt that I will again. But the #1 thing that I'm in need of right now in my life is energy, because I have so much on my plate. And I know that things are not going to get better unless I get up and take care of myself.