It's strange, the lengths to which I allow myself to be disappointed.
From an early age I have set my expectations for others far too high. Moving away can solidify some friendships while most others simply disintegrate like shitty tissue paper. The thing is, I never know which friendships will be the ones that last. I don't know that it has anything to do with intentions. I believe that people's intentions are good, usually.
So I never quite know how attached to be to someone, or how much faith or hope to put in them. I guess that's the point though isn't it? Every connection we make is a risk to our fragile insides. Every degree of vulnerability we allow with another person is a step towards potential heartbreak and loss.
I remember the first time a friendship broke me. Her name was Amy, and we were in the first grade. We lived near each other and rode the bus home together. I wanted Amy and I to be best friends. When I told her this, she informed me that we couldn't be best friends, because I wasn't going to heaven like her. Amy wore skirts and had long hair and her family spoke in tongues. My God wasn't the same as her God, and apparently my God wasn't good enough. But all I remember feeling was that I wasn't good enough.
The thing is-- I don't know how to change. I don't know how to value people less, or how to desire friendships that are more shallow, or how to meet people where they are at. I don't understand why depth and loyalty aren't things that everyone wants.
I suppose perhaps not everyone wants to share their deepest darkest selves. But I guess that's the only way I know how to deal with my own darkness-- by sharing with others and hoping that someone, someday can relate.
6.30.2009
On friendship and disappointment
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1 comments:
Hey sweets just a dialog on your meditations. . . or rather a monologue=o) But maybe you are not supposed to value people less,but in fact value them more.We do so by allowing them the freedom to come in and out of our lives with the frequency and depth that they are comfortable with rather than what we see as desirable or ideal. We value their needs and comfort over our own, we sacrifice our desires and feelings out of love, compassion and grace for them. Maybe we need to think about friendship as more of a gift to the other person, we need to give it with out expectations or conditions and be pleasantly surprised when someone gives a similar gift back rather than disappointed when they don't. I have found that the friendships that have lasted the longest and have gone the deepest are the ones in which I respect and honor the freewill of others without taking their ebb and flow of relationship personally and without forcing my own "needs" or identity on them. Now don't get me wrong, seeking out shallow friendships or allowing others to walk all over you for the sake of love would be unhealthy and counter productive. So, there has to be boundaries to friendship or else we would all be like Charlie(wink)! There has to be a point where we say "no, this is not healthy" or "no, this is not a safe relationship for me". But people generally want to be known and accepted, they want that depth and loyalty desperately. However, they may not be able to reach out for such things until they feel that they are free to dive in, rather than feeling required to jump. What do you think? By the way, I miss you.
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