Coming clean

When I was a teenager I was extremely careful as to who I told about the fact that I have clinical depression. I shared on a need-to-know basis, and held my breath as I waited for people to run away from me like I had SARS (which isn't a completely unrealistic fear-- it happened once or twice).

I'm fairly open about it now, because I feel it's important for people to understand what depression is. When I was younger my depressive symptoms were much more stereotypical, and involved being overwhelmingly sad a lot of the time. But nowadays, my "bouts" are very similar to getting the flu for a long period of time. My energy seems non-existent, I sleep for up to 16 hours a day some days, and I get frequent headaches. Instead of feeling sad, I mostly feel flat and disconnected. And one of many factors is simply the fact that my brain doesn't know how to properly produce and use serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine.

It's been a few years since I've had a significant bout with depression, since I have been on a medication that's been amazing. But I am slowly realizing that I'm in the midst of dealing with it at the moment. And I almost forgot how debilitating it can be.

So if you are the kind of person who prays, please do. I've made it through these periods in my life before, and I don't doubt that I will again. But the #1 thing that I'm in need of right now in my life is energy, because I have so much on my plate. And I know that things are not going to get better unless I get up and take care of myself.

The art of getting off my ass

I have, I think, an innate desire for adventure like few other people I know do. I daydream all the time about where I want to visit, move, explore, and who I want to be. But along with this desire for adventure comes a slight aversion to responsibility.

I'm truly attempting to become a responsible adult. This means that in the past month or so I have tackled quite a few issues that I've been ignoring, and doing quite a few things that I didn't want to do.

1. I'm consolidating my credit card debt and probably cutting up my credit cards. In general I'm making a lot of financial changes, and possibly looking at even getting a roommate to save some money.
2. I'm making several doctors appointments to take care of various health issues. This has never been an easy thing for me, since when it comes down to it I rarely ever hear what I want to hear when I go to the doctor. But taking care of my health has to be a priority for me, and it hasn't been in the past.
3. I'm forcing myself to learn to cook, which has gone pleasantly well. I'm actually enjoying myself a bit-- and that's been a surprise.
4. I got a sponsor in Al-anon who is helping me to face some issues I have with control, codependency, asking for help, self care, ect. She has been a great help to me.

I feel good about the changes I've made in my life thus far, but I still feel overwhelmed at how far I have left to go. I still have a lot of things left to tackle...

1. Finding a church. I have Sundays off now, but it's just a struggle to get out of bed to go. It's going to happen though, I believe that.
2. Making a plan to lose weight (which ties in with #2 above). I'm too young to have the health complications that my weight is causing me, and I need to take some action.
3. Finishing school... what a weight this will be off my shoulders.
4. Beginning my CAADAC certification, which is the next step in my career.

So if you could keep me in your prayers, I have a lot on my plate. And it's just plain time to get off my ass and get some things done.

A Great Day in History

I don't care if people are sick of the inauguration coverage and hype. I'm going to blog about it anyway.

I did, in fact, manage to hold my tears for nearly the whole day. Then MSNBC did a montage, and down they came.

Civil rights is my forte, it's my passion. MLK and Malcolm X and Desmond Tutu and Ralph Abernathy are among my heros. And I don't care who you voted for. This was a great day to be an American citizen, in a land where a man who, less than 50 years ago would have been given second-class service (or none at all), can become president. It makes me believe that there is hope for our nation, and that we are moving toward equality and justice for all.

I'm so proud to be an American, because today I truly saw what my country is capable of.

the Magically Appearing Pee Puddle

I uncovered a little surprise today, when I pushed forward one of my living room chairs and found a puddle of pee. I pushed it forward some more, and found even more pee. Apparently, my dog has mastered peeing under things. And here I thought he was being a good boy. He was just being a creative boy.

I thought about this while I was scrubbing the floors and up to my elbows in bleach. It takes a fair amount of craftiness to pee underneath things. He's rarely a bad dog, and he generally wants to please me. Maybe he really truly can't hold it sometimes. I'm considering getting wee pads so he has backup when he just can't hold it. It might make us both a little more happy.

I watched a new VH1 show tonight called Sober House. It's obviously about a sober house, with celebrities in it. I've heard people say that Sober House and Celebrity Rehab are made-for-tv drama rather than reality shows, but I think most people would be surprised at the amount of drama that addicts can create. I had to call 911 on the job this week, and keep myself together while making sure someone kept breathing. I knew this was an aspect of my job I'd have to face sooner or later, and I did it and am pretty proud of myself.

I made zippy chicken corn chowder tonight and it was excellent! Tomorrow I'm making apple crisp, and if my recent luck stays with me it shouldn't be too bad.

Surprise, I have a woman brain

I'm reading a really good book that I picked up at a thrift store called The Female Brain. It's nothing too new-- except that now I'm learning the biology and neurology behind emotional retardation in men. It's fairly fascinating though to learn the things that my female brain is capable of. Namely, reading facial cues and emotions on a nearly psychic level. And it's not surprising, but interesting nonetheless that men and women operate biologically, emotionally, and neurologically on such different levels. I'm really enjoying learning about it all.

I went to an Al-anon meeting today for the first time in a long time. It felt good. I've been working with a sponsor for about 2 weeks now. The point of going to Al-anon (at least for me) is to redirect the focus and attention and energy that goes into the alcoholics in your life onto yourself. So working the steps for me is going to mean figuring out a lot about who I am, and I'm really excited about it.

My month-long cooking adventure is still going well. The curried beef and rice I made was mediocre, as was the okra. I made some chocolate chip banana pancakes today though that were culinary magic, I tell you. Also, a chicken and stuffing casserole was successfully and deliciously made in the crock-pot with only minimal burnage (read: my crock pot burns things). Up next: Curried shrimp and rice (different method and recipe than the beef), and a blackberry peach pie.

New year, clean slate

For the next month, I've sworn off restaurants and coffee shops. All of my meals will be home cooked and my coffee will be home brewed. My goals are to save money and get some more cooking experience. It will require a lot of planning, time, effort, and creativity on my part but I am ready for the challenge.

I'm planning on making a lot of weird ethnic dishes. Last night I had curried beef, potatoes, and onions over rice and okra. Tonight, salmon steak! We'll see if the enthusiasm lasts, but I'm excited about this...

The life

A big, plush bed

Dark, dark coffee made perfectly

Tattoos that tell beautiful stories

A family of many colors, pieced together just the way God intended

Beautiful babies with cheeks to kiss

Doggies to cuddle with at night

New and unheard music to discover

A husband who cooks and balances the checkbook

A view of the ocean

Art and beauty everywhere I look

These are the things I dream about.