4 hours down, 26 to go

It's day 1 of my excursion back to MN. Well, technically it's day 2 now. Whatever.

I've never given away so much STUFF in my life. I got to bless some neighbors who are struggling, and I'm glad for that. I'd like to feel lighter, but I just feel more broke.

We hit the road at about 1:30pm and headed for Phoenix. Charlie seemed to want to crawl in my lap every once and awhile. On top of all the confusion of moving he's not usually allowed in the front seat, so he doesn't know what to do with himself. Good thing he can be subdued with one hand. Other than that he slept most of the way. I'm so thankful that he's relatively good in the car as far as dogs go. He still doesn't know what to think about all of this. For the last week or so he has sensed the impending change and panicked every time I have left the house. Right now he's curled up right next to me, which is a rare thing anymore. He usually likes his space at night, but I can tell that he's scared.

After we settled into the hotel I grabbed some takeout sushi. I ordered way more than I needed. I read some reviews that recommended the "Monkey Brains" specialty roll so I got that. It's deep fried mushroom with crab and spicy tuna. Yum!

As I was waiting for my takeout, a girl about my age at a nearby table looked at me and said "Hello. You look really beautiful tonight." I laughed and waited for her or someone at her table to laugh. I had been in the car all day, my hair was up in a bun that took all of 10 seconds, and I had no makeup on. I had a cute sundress on, I'll concede that. But beautiful?

But I waited, and no one laughed. So I smiled and said thank you. I walked to my car and mulled it over as I drove back to the hotel. I guess in the end, I gave up on picking it apart and let it be.

On my way out of California, there was a sign that read "CALIFORNIA STATE PRISON NEXT EXIT". Right below it there was an equally important sign-- "Do Not Pick up Hitchhikers"

Guilt, guilt, and more guilt

I've begun packing, sorting, donating, ect. I still haven't fully grasped that I'm moving back, but at the same time I'm getting really excited about it. My plan was to stay out here for 2 years, and I stayed for 1. I'm ok with it. I really miss my friends and my family back home, and I think things would have been different too, if I'd been able to afford to go home more often than once a year.

Charlie doesn't know what to think of any of this. He's been doing well lately, though it seems that my training still has a ways to go. I thought it would be a good idea to bring him with me yesterday when I stopped into work.... I do not know what I was thinking! Too many strange people for an insecure dog. And I'm learning that it doesn't work to tell people to stay away from petting his head. It's too instinctual to pet a dog's head. So yes, in short, he definitely bit my coworker. Not a bad bite at all, but I've been feeling incredibly guilty ever since. Ultimately, it was a reality check of the worst kind. He needs to wear his muzzle when he's around people he doesn't know. Period. I have terrible guilt when it comes to Charlie's acting out. It makes me wonder what I'll be like as a parent.

I said a few goodbyes yesterday. A goodbye dinner with my sponsor was the hardest. She has been one of the greatest mentors I've ever had besides my parents. I love her and will miss her tremendously.

Today--- more packing, sorting, and labelling for the garage sale I'm having on Saturday. I also need to plan for my drive back. It will be a 5 day trip, 30 hours in total. I'm taking a different route than the one that I came so that I can go through New Mexico, since I've always wanted to go there. So the itinerary so far is: Phoenix, Albuquerque, Denver, Lincoln, and then home. I leave in exactly one week from today. Obviously the emotions are mixed, but I'm truly stoked for the road trip part!

Note to self, part 1

Lesson number 1: Don't drink wine before bed. Even if the wine is really, really lovely, make sure there is at least an hour or two between the time you finish that glass and your head hits the pillow. Because as much as you convince yourself that the pleasure is worth the price, it's not. Inevitably you will wake up with acid reflux at 3am and faint dreams that your insides are burning. And all the Tums in the world will not fix this.

Lesson number 2: Stop coveting the cool kids. You are not cool and will never be cool, and that's okay. Deep down, it's not what you've ever wanted to be. Valuable, memorable, worthy, yes. Cool, no.

Lesson number 3: Don't google your ex-boyfriend. Yes, it's kind of nice to know that he's living in Missouri and you won't be risking the run-in around Uptown. But it makes you feel creepy and stalkerish, and besides that stirs up some really strange emotions. You get all analytical and nostalgic in a bad way. No one likes that.

Lesson number 4: Either start throwing crap out now, or be prepared for a major nervous break-down. You have only 2 weeks until you move. Quit procrastinating. Pack, child, pack!

Change is a comin'

*Drumroll please*


I'm moving back to Minnesota. Believe me, no one is more shocked about this decision than I am. So here's what's been happening in my life.

For the last 2 months or so, I've been looking for a part-time job. I get 32 hours a week at my current job, no benefits, and am really struggling to make it financially. But the job market out here is just totally dried up. I love working with addicts and alcoholics, but I also love paying my rent, ya know?

Then this past week, I got a call from my boss that they were cutting my hours in half. Sadly, this has left me with the option of finding a different full-time job, or moving somewhere where the job market isn't quite this bleak. So I've prayed this week. I've sent in resumes, and I've prayed that God would clearly show me what the next step is for me.

Last night on the phone with my mom, I asked her what she thought I should do. She's always been supportive of me being out here, and when she said she thought I should move home and finish up my schooling at Winona State I was a little surprised. I called a handful of friends last night who all said the same thing. I've really felt like God is making this clear, so back home I will go. For now :)

I don't know that I'll be back to Palm Springs but I really don't think I'll be in Minnesota for too long. We'll see what God has in store. My plan when I came out here was to finish schooling through my work, but they dropped their financial support of that not long after I was employed out here because of the economy. So this is the only way I'm going to be able to finish my schooling at this point.

I don't have the time-frame on everything yet. I still have a car lease that I'm working on getting out of. But the decision has been made, and even though I never thought I'd be coming back, I feel pretty at peace about it.